18 November, 2006

The Greatest Adventure Story Ever Told

Once upon a time, there was a…..No, that won’t work. That’s a terrible way to start a story. Well, maybe not terrible, but it is overused, and always on stories that are so insufferably fluffy. Stories that are all smarmy and fuzzy, not a dreadfully serious tale as this is. Hmmm…..How about, A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….Um, no. Why did I even think of that one? I mean, first of all, it would be plagiarism, and B; this is not science fiction. This tale did not take place in a galaxy far, far away, but in this one. In fact, it happened on this world, on this continent, in this country, not five blocks from here. And, it wasn’t all that long ago. In fact, I think it was just last week. I’m not too sure about the time, but my milk hadn’t quite gone bad yet when it was all over, so I’m pretty sure it was around a week ago that it all started. This piece of non fiction is, in all truth, a True Story. Or, at least, a Tale Based on Actual Events. I suppose there is a little bit of fiction in it. Let’s call it: Historical Fiction. Yes, I like the sound of that. Anyway, I need a good opening line for this work of Historical Fiction. Hmmm…How about, Once upon a-Dang it! I did it again. Man, I’m dumb. It was a dark and stormy night! Call me Ishmael! It was the something something something worst of times! Or maybe: Oh Romeo, Romeo, something something Romeo? Nah, it’s been done, too. And there’s no one named Romeo in this story. Or Ishmael for that matter. Man, all the good ones are taken. Maybe I could start in the middle, that way I don’t need an opening line! So I said to Moe, “If I wanted the three quarts of mayonnaise and the two hedgehogs, I would have asked for the green balloon!” Then he said, “No, the green balloon was for the centaur egg, the bicycle, and the Nutcracker tickets!” Obviously, I was right, but he didn’t want to admit it, so I challenged him to a contest of the Stone. Hmm, no, I don’t think that will work either. Alright, back to the beginning. Let’s see…Somewhere over the rainbow, something something. Why does that sound familiar? And why am I suddenly thinking about Kansas? Probably saw it in a commercial, or something. Anyway, it sounds a little too fruity anyway. Sigh, this thing’s never going to get started. And I’m not too happy with the title, either. I think I’ll go watch TV.


Alice said...

Nicely done! I've always been fascinated by stories of those who live on through the centuries.

Anonymous said...

I am your #1 fan! Looking forward to what else poors out of your fascinating mind!


Anonymous said...

Great story man! Will we see the rest?