12 December, 2006

Christmas Letter

A satire of the annual family Christmas newsletter.


Once again the time has come to reach out and share our love for all our friends and family, and to send out our holiday wishes. Our wish for you is that the joy of Christmas fills your hearts and your homes, and that this New Year is your best yet.

This past year has been a busy one for the Jones family. Frank especially has been busy as a beaver at work. He spent most of March deep in the Amazon rain forest searching for the lost treasure of the Jacapitoco people. According to Frank, they are a little known civilization that predates all the more commonly known empires of South America, and when they disappeared some three thousand years ago, they left behind legends of vast wealth hidden somewhere in the jungles of the Amazon basin. After finding it, he spent a few months here at home setting up a conservation fund with the proceeds. Then it was off to Africa to find King Solomon’s mines. The profits from the newly reopened mines will be used to help settle many of the conflicts going on in that war-torn continent. He is home for now, but in February he will be off to the Mediterranean. He believes he has discovered the identity of the people known to us only as the Sea People, whose piracy brought an end to both the Egyptian Old Kingdom and the Hittite Empire. Frank believes he even knows where they hid the loot! Good luck Frank!

I myself have been keeping busy raising our rambunctious children while settling into our new house. All the children helped design it, so it kind of looks like a palace or castle out of a fairy tale. With lots of room for the children to pursue their interests, it has been quite an adventure just getting everyone to eat dinner together! In the little spare time I have found, I finally earned my PhD in math, and was honored with a Nobel Prize for my thesis. There were many worthy candidates this year, so I feel very blessed to have been chosen for the award.

Luke has been very busy preparing to graduate from High School, so look for that announcement in May! At the end of last year he won the school science fair and received his third patent with his genetically modified Super Corn. Pest and pestilence resistant, this corn can mature in only one month after planting. It needs very little water, so Luke believes it will be very useful in areas plagued by drought. And because it grows so fast, ethanol made from it will become a widespread energy source. Our cars are already running on it! Right now, he is working on another project in which he hopes to engineer a mouse that can make some of its own energy through photosynthesis. We expect many great things from Luke in the New Year!

Alice has become a beautiful young woman and quite the socialite in her freshman year of high school. It’s just about all Frank and I can do to fend off the boys! She is doing quite well in school, even managing to balance school with her social life and her job as a Special Consultant to the Department of Defense, helping them with the computer security on their missile defense systems. She has also recently been approached by Microsoft to lead their Windows development group, but she turned them down, not wanting to take too much upon herself this year. She is growing up so fast!

Little Johnny turned ten this year, and found a new hobby over the summer. His choir was in Afghanistan as part of the USO tour, and while exploring he quite accidentally stumbled into an Al-Qaeda training camp. With his superb mastery of the language, he easily convinced them that he was a trainee. Now he spends a lot of time over there hunting down Al-Qaeda cells. As a result, we’ve decided to home school him, so he would have more than just the weekends to help fight terrorism.

Little Suzie is feeling very grown up this year! She is very proud, because now she can use the potty! The other children are very relieved, since this means they get a reprieve from changing dirty diapers. She’s also been napping a lot, since she got back from touring with her rock band, Jail Bait, as the lead guitarist. She always looks so cute on stage in front of all those head-bangers!

And we can’t forget our Chihuahua Rufus! He has also had a very busy year. This summer he was honored by the city after he pulled several children out of a burning orphanage. Who knew such a big heart was in such a tiny dog!

Frank and I are very proud of all our children. They are growing into such wonderful people! From our family to yours, we wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year!

With lots of love,

The Jones Family

Frank, Mary, Luke, Alice, Johnny, and Suzie

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